Thursday, 20 October 2011

-Music Videos on my Mind- The Curious Case of Cher Lloyd

The Danish philosopher, theologian and religious author Søren Aabye Kierkegaard said: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

With that in mind, let us try and prognosticate, in reverse order of course, the key life events of former X Factor pop starlet Cher Lloyd.
  • 2020 – Cher Lloyd dies in a south London crackhouse.

  • 2017 – Cher Lloyd is admitted to a mental asylum because of her strange protestations about how Simon Cowell used to drink the virginal blood of female X Factor contestants.

  • 2016 – Cher Lloyd is forced to relocate to a council house in Lambeth, London where tabloid newspapers report she has developed a dependency on glue sniffing and kleptomania.

  • 2015 – Cher Lloyd gives birth to a son on a realty show called Washed-up Celebrity Maternity Ward. The kid is given up for adoption.

  • 2014 – Cher Lloyd enters rehab but is kicked out after her cheque bounces. Efforts to resurrect her singing career fail as the music scene shifts from ersatz R&B to white guys with guitars again.

  • 2013 – In an effort to convince Americans she is the British female equivalent of Eminem, Cher Lloyd moves to the US. No one is persuaded and Lloyd is deported by Immigration Services.

  • 2012 – Cher Lloyd is dropped from Simon Cowell's record label SyCo.

  • 2011 – Simon Cowell, detecting the scent of easy money, signs Cher Lloyd to his label and puts out the insanely catchy hit single Swagger Jagger. Cowell pays Mike Posner big money to feature on Lloyd's follow up track With UR Love.

  • 2010 – Cher Lloyd auditions for the X Factor but reinvents herself as a watered-down urban vocalist. She performs Keri Hilson's version of Turn My Swag On and is put through to the live shows under the tutelage of seasoned pro Cheryl Cole. She makes it to the finals but doesn't win.

  • 2009 - Cher Lloyd auditions for the second time on X Factor and sings a bland balled and is told to fuck off.

  • 2008 – Cher Lloyd auditions for the first time on X Factor and sings a bland balled and is told to fuck off.

  • 1993 – Cher Lloyd is born.


  1. Never heard of her, when just got our version of Xfactor in the states.

  2. it's the sad life of British pop tarts and of us who have to follow it :))

  3. This probably would've been a lot funnier if I'd known about her. After hearing that vid, I'm pretty glad I didn't.

  4. I could see this happening. I think you have The Gift. You should buy a crystal ball and charge people from these predictions. :-)

  5. Ha, you really don't like Cher Lloyd. Clearly she's named after "Cher," which is already a strike against her.

  6. I've never heard of this woman, but I found this hilarious. That Washed-Up Celebrity Maternity Ward reality show crack was priceless. And sadly, will probably come true!!

  7. I think she's a talented young lady. Watch her storm the charts and have a long and fruitful career. Will you then eat your words?

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